Part 3: The British are coming! The British are coming!

It happened late one night about two weeks ago.  It started with a wisp of frosty air.  The freezer door cracked opened and a drawling voice with a haughty English accent came lolling out, "Oh Raaaaalph..."  Nothing.  The voice called out again, louder, "Oh Raaaaalph!..."  After a few seconds with no response, another voice hollered in a thick Liverpudlian accent, "Oi!  Ralph!  We know you're in there!  Don't make me come up and get you out!

A moment later, the refrigerator door opened and a surprised Scot answered, "Yeah?  Whaddya wan'?"

The haughty one cleared his throat.  "Hello Ralph."  At the mention of Ralph's name, the companion snickered.  Who'd ever heard of a tart named Ralph?  The leader, after an amused glance at his colleague, continued, "My name is Tinsley and this is my companion Seeley."  At this, Seeley issued a self-satisfied, "'Allo!" 

Ralph shuddered.  He'd heard of these two.  Tinsley was a trifle - arrogant, ambitious and very well connected.  His buddy Seeley was a sausage - stupid, surley and always with Tinsley.  The two made a bizarre couple, one not to be "trifled" with lightly.  Ralph tittered to himself at his little joke. Tinsley went on.

"We've come to you on urgent business.  Do you have a moment?"

"Uh, I s'pose..."

"You've been called on an important mission Ralph."

Ralph started, "Wha-?"

Tinsley continued, "We haven't got much time.  Things are warming up down here.  I'll give it to you in a nutshell.  We've got to stop the Americans.  We need to immobilize them - even if it means one thigh at a time."

Ralph's mind was racing.  "What does that have to do with me?"

"You are to tempt the American woman and get her to eat as much as you can....  Do it for your country.  Do it for your queen."  That was it.  The freezer door creaked shut.

All of the contents of the fridge had been listening intently.  The spinach, Emile les Epinards, started talking first in his very thick French accent, "You know, Ralph, you do not 'ave to do zis."  He straightened in his bag.  "I 'ave been working wees 'er and I am certain zat she is too strong for zat."

"Be qviet over zehr," Gustav the German chocolate shouted.  He then asked Ralph what he was going to do.  With a scowl at Emile, he suggested that Ralph speak in a French accent, as everyone knew that the French hate the Americans.

"I don' understand.  Why would the queen want to hurt the Americans?," Ralph thought out loud.

Emile glowered at Gustav and responded, "I 'ave 'eard aboot zis.  I know zis because I 'ave worked against zem, like zee great LaFayette...," he said proudly.  He went on to explain that there was a group out there who hated the Americans for stealing the recipe for cheddar cheese.  He said this with a bit of a smirk, as everyone knows that the French make the best food in the world, including cheese, and he couldn't understand why anyone would care about disgusting ol' cheddar.

Well, that started it.  The Swiss cheese started shouting that the Swiss made the best cheese.  The German chocolate got so mad that he grabbed Emile and shoved him into a drawer.  The raspberries, that were imported from the Brazil, tried to protest, but as raspberries are rather fragile little berries, couldn't do much about it.  They'd seen what Gustav did to the spinach, so they felt it was safer to stay unsquished.  The ketchup was from the US and was understandably upset.  The soy sauce was busy telling everyone that the Chinese had been making wonderful food for a thousand years, far longer than anyone else.  Takeo the warrior tofu listened but said nothing.  He was Japanese - his label said so - but he was made in the USA and was very bitter about it.  Though no one was addressing the mission, he kept thinking about the cause.  However, he was a samurai and would help in his own way; his would find a way to change his label to read "low-fat".  Bowie the butter was a bit on the slow side and got worked up with all the shouting; so to participate in his own way, he started singing out the woman's name in a menacing voice, interjecting the occasional idiotic laugh. The conversation continued in this manner for a while, with all the food getting more and more upset with one another, some of the condiments in squirt bottles were even threatening to squirt everybody.

Suddenly the refrigerator opened.  All conversation stopped.  Ralph felt Gustav looking at him and knew he had to act.  He spoke to her in a French accent.  She responded.  They spoke for a few moments.  He faltered.  She shut the door only to open it again a few seconds later.  She took Emile out of the drawer and refused to speak to Ralph further.  Gustav tried to intervene, to no avail.  She shut the door again and all was dark.  The refrigerator was full of angry mutterings and cheers.

As for Ralph, though he had tried, in his creamy heart, he was glad the mission had failed.  He liked the Americans.  Besides, she wasn't his queen.  He thought to himself, "I am Sean Connery, the James Bond of the food world - smooth, desired and dangerous.  I am secret agent, fighting for the pant-size of all."

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Notes:  

First and foremost, I want to make it clear that my intention was not to mock any other country in the writing of this.  Yes, I played off of some stereotypes, but after living abroad, I have learned that people are pretty much the same wherever you go.  (There was no stereotype that I referred to when describing the butter; I simply thought that if butter had a personality, it probably wouldn't be the brightest bulb.)  Communication methods may be different, cultures may vary, but people are people and all deserve respect.  I also meant no insult in relation to the Queen.  While I do believe that any country that wants to be free and has the ability to rule itself should indeed be free, I rather like her.

Emile means rival; Bowie means yellow or fair-haired; Takeo means warrior.  

The Sean Connery reference was put in because he is a Scottish nationalist who believes that Scotland should be free.